Author Archives: Anitra

About Anitra

Writer/teacher/activist; raging moderate political heretic; freethinking liberal Christian religious heretic. Happily married. If you want to know anything else, my life is an open website. :)

God, Meaning and Morality

Meaning & Morality
thoughts by Anitra L. Freeman

Power
can build
pyramids, roads and prisons
and can’t make anyone
forgive.

God is very real to me. God is adorable. God is the biggest, brightest and most beautiful Being in creation — how can I help but love God?

I do not feed hungry people because God tells me to. I don’t even feed hungry people because I love God and God loves other people. I feed hungry people because they’re there and I can. I love God because, what else could I do? I feed hungry people because, what else could I do? Continue reading →

John Dameray (Johnny Come Down the Backstay)

When time to put up or change the sails on the big ships, the sailors swarmed up rope ladders hung for the purpose and shimmied out the yardarms, untying the ropes holding the sails in place, letting them unfurl. Then they quickly came back down to deck; some of them, by the same rope ladders they went up. But if you were a real salt, you slid down one of the “backstays”, the heavily tarred ropes that held the masts in place.

I have used a different chorus and slightly different words than the one given by Stan Hugill. This is closer to the version I hear at chantey sings here in Seattle, when nobody’s actually hauling up any braces.


CHORUS:
Hey, haul away! Johnny come down the backstay!
Hey, haul away! John Dameray!

Around Cape Horn we did go,
Johnny come down the backstay!
Through wind and rain and icy snow.
John Dameray!

CHORUS

Around Cape Horn we did go,
Johnny come down the backstay!
Hoist her up from down below.
John Dameray!

CHORUS

Shake her, shake her as she rolls,
Johnny come down the backstay!
For Johhny is a bully old soul.
John Dameray!

CHORUS

Now it’s time for our smoko,
Johnny come down the backstay!
The old man he’s gone loco.
John Dameray!

CHORUS

When I get me feet ashore,
Johnny come down the backstay!
Off to sea I’ll go no more.
John Dameray!

CHORUS

From the sea I will steer clear,
Johnny come down the backstay!
And I’ll stick to drinking beer.
John Dameray!


Just Imagine

“Alyx is a perfectly healthy child. Honestly, Martha, I don’t understand why you strain so hard to come up with things to worry about!”

“Mary! How can it possibly be healthy for a six-year-old child to talk about goblins all the time?”

“From what you’ve told me, she talks about one goblin, her friend who doesn’t scare her. They play follow-the-leader and hide-and-go-seek and find-the-leprechaun. It’s quite normal for children to have imaginary playmates.”

“A normal imaginary playmate is a child your own age who does everything you want to do. A normal imaginary playmate is not an eight-inch tall gray-green goblin named… Gray-Green the Goblin!”

“So, you want your child to be creative, but not in any unusual way?”

“YES!”

 

Solemnly, Alyx set the cat carrier on its end in the middle of her room with the open door facing up, just like Daddy set it up when Mee-Mee needed to go to the cat-doctor. Then she spread paper and crayons out on the floor and began to draw. Soon Gray-Green’s knobby, fan-eared head peeked over the sill of her room. For a few moments his big orange eyes watched the bright colors prance across the paper, then like a tumbling swirl of sticks and leaves the little creature eagerly swarmed over the sill and down beside his friend. He cuddled there contentedly and bent his head to one side with one ear unfolded upward, looking like a rather hideous cocker spaniel.

“Now I want to draw you,” Alyx said, pulling over a blank sheet of paper. She patted the rug. “Stand right here so I see you head to toes.”

The goblin bounced up to pose. And the little girl reached out, grabbed his ankles, hauled him upside down and dropped him head-first into the cat-carrier, slamming the door shut and flipping the latch. Then she plumped down beside him and gazed mournfully through the plastic grating at his puzzled face.

“I’m sorry, Gray-Green!” she wailed. “But Mommy says I have to keep my imagination under control!”

 

Several minutes later Gray-Green understood that this was not a new game and Alyx had no intention of letting him out of the carrier. He could let himself out with no problem, of course, but that wouldn’t solve what he perceived as the basic problem.

Alyx ran outside to distract herself by a game of Hit Something With a Ball. Gray-Green began rocking the cat-carrier back and forth until it fell horizontally and he was no longer upside down (Alyx having forgotten this detail of what Daddy did with Mee-Mee.) The goblin continued rocking back and forth until slowly, awkward as its shape was, the carrier rolled underneath Alyx’s bed. He then bided his time, making plans.

 

It was a day, and a night, and Alyx went off to the place called School, before Gray-Green heard the sound of the vacuum motor. He peered through the grating until two decorously shod feet approached the bed and the head of the vacuum was shoved under it. As it was pulled back for another pass, he rolled the carrier out to lay by the decorous toes, the viewing side facing upward. His claws clung to the grating and his grin stretched back to show snaggled teeth as overlarge for his head as his ears and his glowing orange eyes.

Mrs. Jenkins shrieked, dropped the handle of the vacuum cleaner, and ran.

Gray-Green burst from the carrier and loped after the screaming woman, pacing himself. Just before she reached the bedside table in the Big Bedroom, he scrabbled up the right-hand wall to drop in front of the phone, still grinning. She doubled back into the Little Room beside Alyx’s room. Before he let her pass through there he had a merry time scuttering around miscellaneous piles of Things Put Out of the Way, knocking them into her way, or posing on top of them to grin at her. He did let her out of there into the dining room, where she headed straight through the living room toward the front door. He let her get within a yard or so before leaping to the ceiling, spidering across it, and dropping to hang by his hindclaws from the top sill of the door, grinning upside down. She turned back to head through the dining room to the kitchen phone. Her screams were beginning to get hoarse, and this time, although he scrabbled up the arch between the dining room and kitchen, he let her pass through just before he swiped his claws down past her hair. That extra bit of teasing meant he had to bound to get onto the wall beside the kitchen phone just in time to make her pull her reaching hand back as from a hot stove. She turned to the back door, but he was in front of it. Stumbling now and gasping for air, she headed to her last refuge, the laundry room. He hung back to let her reach it. He relaxed in the doorway, leaning against the lintel and gazing up where she huddled on top of the dryer and underneath the cabinets, peering between her knees, her housedress tangled around her legs and her arms pulling them tightly to her chest.

“Relax, Mrs. Jenkins,” the goblin purred. “I’m just your imagination.” His grin spread wider than ever, showing off all his over-sized teeth. “All you have to do is… control me.”


Legacy

Over, finally, all the long dry pent-up days. The harsh, demanding voice silent. No more shouts in the middle of the night for a window opened, a window shut, a pillow removed, a pillow fluffed up, one more blanket, once less blanket, a drink of iced water or hot milk. No more major expeditions undertaken from bed to wheelchair, into the bathroom, from the wheelchair to the facilities, from the facilities to the wheelchair, into the bedroom, back into bed, fussing and rearranging until she was settled — all to avoid the indignity of using a bedpan.

In the blessed silence, Joan polished the furniture that was now hers. The house was now hers, the front yard, the rear garden, the fences and the hedgerows. No more would she be reminded every waking hour that she lived in her mother’s house and ate her mother’s food and was warmed by her mother’s fire. No more would she be reminded that at 37 she was lucky that somebody needed her for something, reminded that her mother could just as well hire a professional nurse and companion. The house was still solid, the trust fund would continue. She was free; free to do whatever she wanted to, in the suddenly opened future.

No one to judge what she did, no bitter eyes to leap on each small clumsiness or error as a victory, no gaunt gray hands to clutch and savor it and bring it up to the light again and again like a treasure. “Careful with the cough syrup, you don’t want to stain the coverlet again,” as she had done four years ago when the neighbor’s brought their new dog home and it barked at a passing car for the first time. “I do like my eggs soft, remember,” as she went down to make breakfast — the same words, every single morning, in the thin, taunting voice from  the tight, taunting lips. “You’re sure of the right number of these pills?” and it had been to be sure that she had asked the doctor to go over the directions with her repeatedly, until she had them memorized.

“Water the plants now, not the floor,” she whispered to herself, mocking the silent voice. The plants she tended were now hers, too, the scores of potted greenery to be brought into the bedroom every morning for extra oxygen, to be taken out every night so that they would not use up the oxygen, “and I hope you did study in school how plants breathe?”

It was her choice now, where the plants lived. Even if they lived. She held the watering can still for a moment above a lush young fern, as if teasing it, savoring her freedom of choice, her power.

And with a thrill of power and daring she moved the precious antique mirror from her mother’s bedroom to hers. Slowly she polished every curlique of the frame, luxuriating in the richness of the wood. Then she took a dry cloth for the glass.

Her slow, proud strokes faltered and stopped as she paused to stare at the gray face in the silver-backed surface; gaunt, tight-lipped, with bitter shadows around the eyes.

 

Hank stopped the car in surprise, got out and walked over to the tree to check out whether this was for real. By god, it was authentic! No later than 1890, maybe earlier; perfectly cared for, not even a scratch or a flake from the silver backing. Leaning right up against the tree trunk, with a great big tag declaring it “FREE.”


There is Joy: A poem for Uncle Bob Santos

Bob Santos is a long-time community activist and public service official in Seattle. As the Northwest Representative for HUD during the Clinton administration,, he worked enthusiastically with homeless organizing groups, and among other things opened the first homeless shelter in a Federal building. He left HUD with the change in administration, but is still working to start new housing projects. The members of WHEEL homeless women’s organization are not the only ones to call him “Uncle Bob”. He is one of the few community leaders trusted by both activists and elected officials.

At the party for Uncle Bob’s leave-taking fom HUD, a very large room was packed. There was a wall full of panels displaying his accomplishments, the housing he’d seen built. There was a lot of laughter, a lot of tears.

I wrote this poem for that occasion, as WHEEL‘s gift to Uncle Bob. Continue reading →

Children’s Hour

Colorado 1999 / Virginia 2007

Trench coats do not create terror
Pierced lips do not create terror
Even Marilyn Manson
Does not create terror

Loneliness
locked inside your heart
where no one can hear you scream
is terror

Not even the internet
Not even the guns
Not even the swastikas
Create terror

Pain that doesn’t
have an end
that eats silently away inside
becomes a black hole
unrecognized by all averted eyes
a non-event horizon
you slip across
to spend forever
sliding down

Terror is not born in talk of guns.
Terror is born in silence.

Theological Themes in Science Fiction

From the beginning, many science-fiction novels have examined the tension between science and religion. If humans are indeed on our own in a mechanical cosmos, are we going to become our own gods? (Men Like Gods by H.G. Wells) Are we going to meet gods Out There to replace the ones we lost to the science that got us Out There? (If the Stars Are Gods by Greg Benford) Or do we need gods at all? (Soviet science fiction) Continue reading →