WARNING: If you
are feeling at all sensitive or easily offended today, please don't read this.
A number of my poems fit into one or more of the following categories.
But then, I take the road that if you are afraid of writing a bad poem, you
will never write a good poem. I also believe that if you can't acknowledge
bad poems, and laugh about them, they will take over the world.
Two uses of the "f"
word occur. These are quotes. Don't blame me. And don't tell my mother. And,
if you don't wish to hear or see such words, you'd probably better stay out
of open mics.
The first form of this list was compiled by a friend and I, jointly, exchanging
satirical notes during open mics.
THIS IS THE
LAST SATIRE WARNING YOU GET.
of Modern Poetry
The "You Bastards" genre.
"Pity Me" poetry.
I'm a Creative Artist;
I'm So Special.
Nobody Else Here Has Ever
Written Anything, So Let Me Tell You What It's Like.
My Lover Won't Listen
to Me (So You Have To)
You Cost Less Than My
Therapist, and No Matter What You Say, You Aren't Half as Obnoxious
The Next Three Minutes
Will Mean Absolutely Nothing, But OH What Imagery!
Eat My Metaphorical Dust!
Nobody Would Read This
So I'm Going to Read It to YOU,
Line by Li-EEN.
Nobody Would Vote for
Me, So I Had to Become a Poet.
The Newspaper Won't Publish
My Letters to the Editor - But I Can Always Get Open Mic Time.
I Applied for Drama School
But None of Them Would Have Me. How Much of the Stage Can I Chew Up In Three
I liked Lord of the Ring
a lot, so I decided to become an elf. Mom won't let me have plastic surgery,
but I have these cool rubber ears, and I've written a whole bunch of elf poetry
exactly like Tolkien would.
My poem is pretty obscure,
and you don't look very bright, so I will give a 2 and 1/2 minute explanation
of my poem before I read it.
Me'n my bros are writtin
thiz KEWL poetry journal, and I think you should subscribe and/or submit.
Gee, the guys at the lab
thought this piece was hilarious. Maybe you aren't up on nuclear magnetic
resonance and plasma dynamics?
As people who read poetry
are strange, I can't trust them to understand my great imagery. Therefore,
I am forced to "tell" the poem as "showing" it would go right over their heads.
This is about my wonderful
new poet friends.
Let me know when my ten
minutes are up, because this is pretty long.
Think of my poetry as
a very very LONG Zen koan.
(affected texas drawl)
This poem is about my aunt Jane with the bouffant hairdo.
This poem has to be read
with a European accent.
(holds paper up for audience)
This poem is in the shape of a triangle, see?
This is from one of my
This was inspired by my
This poem has a lot of
cuss words in it, so if you don't like it, fuck you!
I wrote this using snot
and other bodily fluids.
I wrote this on the way
You may recognize this
poem from last week? But that was version #76. This is version #77.
I'm glad I'm on first,
so I can leave quickly. No-one else here is doing any of my poetry, so there's
no point in my staying.
My soul is black. Black
is my soul. P.S. I hate my lover.
This is about my boyfriend,
James, who broke up with me over spring break.
Drugs. Drugs, man. And
booze. Booze, yeah. Don't forget cigarettes.
I have written a poem
referring to Miles Davis.
I'm so self-obsessed I
scare all my lovers away. I scare all my friends away. I scare my family away.
I scare ... Where'd everybody go?
I am the next fucking
Ezra Pound, listen to me and weep, you inconsequential worms.
I never need to edit any
of my pems.
Rhyme is dead! Meter is
dead! Form is dead! Just try to find any structure in my poems, whatsoever!
Just try! Oh my god! I'm still using English!
Loser who couldn't write
their way out of a paper bag who categorizes everyone else they can to make
their sorry existence look that much brighter.