Torquemada SunriseOK, it's winter, I expected to be cold and miserable. But La Niña? What!? As I swear on an oath to the Almighty But-terfly Effect, they must now be making this nonsense up as they go along. Next year - LOOK OUT! It's El Tío! Escape the planet at any cost! (The weather's not too hot or too cold, it just smells like your uncle Joe smells after two six-packs on top of Mama's "Last Days" Burrito and Nuclear Beef Enchilada Plate, with extra guacamole.)
But that was just the start of it. Now look at us. The tabloids can't even keep up. The impeachment resolution having just been passed as I write this, what do I see in the Enquirer but "Hillary Goes On Rampage in the White House." So they've completely given up telling us unbelievable stuff, you can get that in the mainstream papers. Now the tabloids are trying to shock us with "Fight Breaks Out on Jerry Springer Set," "Madonna Reportedly Had Sex Last Night," "Scientists Don't Believe in Sasquatch," "Seattle, Boston Joined by Highway," and "Monkeys No Longer Thought to Fly."
Meanwhile the mainstream papers have gone off the edge. Last month we only had to pick up one of Seattle's highly respected dailies (I won't say which one, who cares, they're both full of it) - NOT an irresponsible tabloid, to read that a "homeless" man shot and killed a Metro bus driver. A "homeless" man that, it turned out, has LIVED IN THE SAME APARTMENT FOR THIRTEEN YEARS.
Next, thanks to that little senseless bout of SCAPEGOATING, there came a call for the downtown Free Ride Zone to be discontinued, so that what hadn't happened the day after last Thanksgiving on the Aurora Bridge might never not not happen ever again. Are you following me?
OK keep hangin' on: most homeless people in this city who avail themselves of the Free Ride Zone would be inconvenienced by having to hike around that one and a half mile long area all the time, but that's nothing that most of them aren't prepared to do if they must.
Therefore they could all bring themselves to say to Seattle and especially to downtown's retail businesses, go ahead. Go ahead and kill the program that has done more than any other to turn around the consumer exodus to the suburban malls. Do it just to spite us, even though we are just as peaceful as the rest of you are, and had nothing to do with the tragedy of the 359 Express. We'll live.
Meanwhile, the gutsy Democrat that I didn't actually favor in the 1992 primary (I voted for the poet) is now at risk of being replaced by an android from the moons of Uranus?? An android who only got elected at all because he was a running mate, because ever since that Jefferson/Hamilton screw-up that's just the way we do things? Or was it Adams/Jefferson? Don't any history teachers email! Just let me tell you what I'm talking about here.
OK let's say I'm getting a little cous-cous (a grain) on the side. But my wife is known to have the meanest right in the Free World, you can read about it in the tabloids. And say some pip-squeak of a latter-day Torquemada asks me if I ever had that particular grain, and I say yeah but it wasn't any big deal, and I don't tell him anything more.
And let's not forget to mention that by this time it is all too evident that Nuevo Torko will bend every rule in the modern inquisitorial handbook. So now I'm supposed to resign, so that an android from outer space should replace me? Whose wife is even weirder than mine?? Well, enough of my bad mood. Allow me to greet the New Year with a song.
A Bratty Annoying Song For This New Year
[To maximize annoyance, repeat each line just until threatened with a massive air strike!]
by Copyright Dr. Wes, me
Let's all sing a bratty song, song song song
How could such a thing be wrong? wrong wrong wrong
See the ugly Ne-eww Year, Year Year Year
We'll kick it in its silly rear, rear rear rear
Poke it in its stupid side, side side side
Then we'll all go run and hide, hide hide hide
While we're hid we shouldn't squeak, squeak squeak squeak
The better that we all can peek! Peek! Peek! Peek!
Peek at a politi-cian, shun shun shun!
Engaged in fornication! Fun fun fun!
Make the scoundrel RE-zign, `zign `zign `zign
Never let `em `cross that bratty line!
- Line line line! -
© Dr. Wes Browning: firstname.lastname@example.org
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